Now’s A Better Time Than Ever To Finally Sign Up For Audible

Now’s A Better Time Than Ever To Finally Sign Up For Audible

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Now that we’re all living in a social distancing world, a lot of us have what I have come to call QuaranScreen Brain — basically what happens when your Netflix marathoning, working from home, and endless games of trivia on Zoom all add up and do a number on your poor eyeballs.


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My laptop is working so hard I think I heard her crying when I tried to download Sims 4.

While it’s hard to resist the siren song of screens while you’re looking for ways to occupy yourself, you should probably give your eyeballs a much-deserved break. Enter Audible, which — if you haven’t already been on that audiobook beat — is here to save your eyes from themselves.


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We are all very tired, but our eyeballs are the most tired of all. It’s high time you let your other organs pick up the slack.

Here’s the sitch: Audible is an audiobook subscription service with a ~free 30-day trial period~ that gives you access to over 20,000 (!!) recorded books, from currents to classics, plus a whole slew of other treats for your ears.


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I’m genuinely overwhelmed by everything Audible offers, so let’s all just take one heaping breath and go on this audio journey together, OK?

For instance, Little Fires Everywhere, the book that inspired the new Hulu Original series that I injected directly into my veins this past weekend? Audible’s got it.


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TBH I had to get the book because Hulu left us all on a cliffhanger and my brain was Big Mad about it.

All seven Harry Potter books narrated by the iconic award-winning Jim Dale? Audible sees you hovering on the edge of that rabbit hole, and it’s like, “C’mon, ya Muggle, jump.”


Audible

Just skip past Chapter 35 of Order of the Phoenix and eeeeverything will be fine.


Audible

I didn’t even know how badly I need Jake Gyllenhaal uttering things about the social upheaval and excess of the Roaring Twenties until THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT NOW!!

They’ve even got original content that rotates every month — right now you can listen to The Messengers, a dark sci-fi comedy that takes place in the aftermath of a plague that incites of an intergalactic war (woof), or all of James Taylor’s new self-narrated memoir, Break Shot.


Audible

IDK about y’all but *I’ve* gone to Carolina in my mind.

Aside from the fact that your eyeballs need a break, another perk about signing up is my primary motivator for most things in life, which is saving a bucketload* of money.


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*A bucketload is an approximate unit of measurement in the Standard Book Lovers System, and includes and is not limited to the book buying sprees you black out during every other month.

After the free 30-day trial period, membership is $14.95 per month, and can be cancelled at any time.

With each month of membership, you get a credit for one audbiobook (any audiobook in the library!), and two credits for Audible Originals — that’s around 10 hours of sweet content for your ear cavities, y’all.


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That means you can snag an entire audiobook — which usually run in the $20 to $30 range, depending on the title — for the $14.95-per-month membership, so you’re already saving some cheddar even if you don’t opt for Audible’s OGs.

Also, Prime members can choose two books to get started!

Also, if you’re picky as heck (it … me?) and you don’t like a title you’ve used a credit on, you can swap it out for another one. It’s like Tinder for audiobooks!


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(Am I jaded? It’s fine.)

Also, if you don’t use your allotted credit for a certain month, it just rolls right on over to the next month. Evergreen audiobooks!

Oh, and you can listen to it anywhere, on pretty much any device you can think of. Netflix & Chill, meet Audiobook & Shower.


Olive Bridge Entertainment

Audible works on all iOS devices — your iPhone, Apple Watch, and iPad — plus Android, Sonos, Kindle, and Alexa-enabled devices. That means you can fully project it into a waterproof speaker in the tub, just saying.

But Audible’s not just for book nerds. (I’m allowed to say that, cuz I am one.)

The subscription also grants you access to guided wellness programs — I’m talking meditations to help you sleep, guided yoga, motivational runs, even something I’m too scared to hit play on called an “ab blaster.” Basically an arsenal of every type of workout you need to get your zen or your sweat on indoors.


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Time to evict the spider that started making a home in your yoga mat.

It also has an entire stage library that will make you flip your inner theater kid’s lid — Audible hosts performances, live staging, and all kinds of experimental theater on the platform.


Audible

Broadway may be temporarily shut down, but you can still get some ~drama~ inserted directly into your veins.

And, of course, PODCASTS on podcasts on podcasts that cover everything from little-known uncovered historical gems to stand-up comedy to career tips and lectures from experts across every field.


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And given all this social distancing, we are almost 100000% guaranteed to have a bunch more podcasts on the way because we as a society cannot help ourselves, bless our little mic’d up hearts.

Plus, for those of us keeping up with the news (read: anyone who wasn’t on a season of Big Brother recently), Audible also conveniently comes with free news audio content from the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Wall Street Journal.


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If you’re looking for a way to stay informed about the pandemic, but stop yourself from going a day-long blackhole of info, limiting yourself to audio news may be a good way to set boundaries.

Basically, Audible is a one-stop shop for all your eardrums’ needs right now, whether you’re looking for a way to pass time on the treadmill, something to occupy your brain while you’re cleaning or baking all that social distancing bread, or want a disembodied voice to (gently) boss you around during your at-home workouts.


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It’s like a parent and a sous chef and a college professor and a personal trainer ALL IN ONE. Is this what it feels like to be rich and famous?

Sign up for Audible with a 30-day free trial ($14.95 per month after that). Happy ear-bingeing!

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