18 Things That Actually Happened On “Riverdale” This Week

1.

We begin with an extremely weird quote from Jugdead, the voice of our generation. Like, I’m pretty sure a) Nobody thinks life is an Agatha Christie novel??? and b) Life is absolutely not messier than one, unless you live in Riverdale, the murder capital of the world, I guess.


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Also as an “old” it’s wild to me that Cole Sprouse is playing someone who was born after 9/11.

2.

The show finally remembers that these four humans have been living in the same house this whole time!


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Betty gets a call from Yale saying, basically, that she gets to take her “dead” boyfriend’s spot, which is ~exactly~ how college admissions works. I’m pretty sure Betty was flat out rejected by Yale, so that spot should have gone to someone on the waitlist, but PLOT.

3.

Alice is working on a documentary called Murder in a Small Town (terrible name!), which is interesting because after approx. 18,000 murders in her small town and being married to a serial killer THIS is the one she’s documenting, but whatever.


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This leads into a series of interviews with a random assortment of characters from this show.

4.

Nana Rose is back, and we all need to start listening to Nana because she HAS SEEN SOME SHIT!!!! I also love that every sentence out of Nana Rose’s mouth is some deranged statement about blood and fire and demons. I love her.


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Luckily, Nana Rose still exists but Juniper, Dagwood, and Polly are all just MIA.

5.

Pop Tate is also interviewed for the documentary, and you get the feeling this guy just wanted to be jolly and serve up burgers and milkshakes like his family before him.


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Also…is that a wedding ring??? Who is Pop’s spouse? GIVE ME THE WHOLE TATE FAMILY, PLEASE. I can’t believe I’ve suffered through so many surprise relatives without ever meeting any of Pop’s! Absolutely rude.

6.

But Cheryl delivered the line of the night, as she always does:


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Can we give Cheryl and Toni a plot that isn’t:

A) Dealing with the corpse of Cheryl’s dead brother

B) Running a Maple Syrup Rum Speakeasy

C) Being interviewed about the other characters without having a plot of their own!!!

7.

Back to the whole murder thing. We are fully caught up with the flash-forwards and see the scene where Betty and Bret talk about Yale, as well as the scene where Betty, Archie, and Veronica are arrested for Jughead’s murder.


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The main ~plot~ you need to know about the “murder” is: Right now almost everyone thinks Jughead is dead. We’re supposed to think Bret and Donna did it and are trying to frame Betty, but presumably Betty and crew know that Jughead is really alive and that frame job won’t work and that Bret and Donna are attempted murderers. I THINK this is what’s going on??? Hard to say why this “game” started in the first place, but once you just accept it it’s honestly very entertaining. It is also really hard to write this recap in any linear type of way, so I won’t really try.

8.

Archie is dealing with a little bit of a problem at the El Royale — the kids think he’s a murderer.


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Idk why this kid saying “Everyone’s saying you’re a murderer” to Archie made me chuckle, but this show has broken my brain. Betty, Archie, and Veronica are cleared for the murder because THE ROCK was that fake rock Betty made last week.

9.

The funeral, for some reason, is held at the Cooper/Jones household and is held according to…Serpent tradition?????? Lol k.


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“On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays we wear black leather” – also Serpent tradition.

10.

In other news, Sweet Pea exists and is even given a whole ass line: “You got a lot of nerve coming here” directed at Donna and Bret, who I am pretty sure he’s never met and would never have any reason to know who they are but cool cool!


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Justice for the sweetest pea!

11.

HiRUM, taking a break from his fake degenerative disease, shows up at Jughead’s funeral despite the fact that he put a hit on Jughead’s life in Season 2. He also fires FP as Sheriff, and if I’m being honest…that’s good. Because, I’m just gonna say it, FP sucks as a sheriff.


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Although we need to talk about FP 👏 IN 👏 A 👏 SUIT! That’s it. That’s the commentary.

12.

Kevin gets a little bit more to do this episode other than being in a tickle club, but not much. He’s interviewed by Alice, and conveniently remembers that Jughead LOVED the part of Tom Sawyer where Tom fakes his own death. How convenient!


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Side note that Betty is a horrible gaslighting, lying friend to Kevin and even though he almost had her lobotomized last season I think she’s a worse friend. I said it.

13.

This episode also explains THAT Betty and Archie scene from the flash-forwards, and Betty, Archie, and Veronica all pull off a nice and dramatic ruse that Betty and Archie are now hooking up. (I guess to prove that Jughead really is dead?) This also leads to the worst speech from Kevin about Barchie and Bughead that made me wanna Barch all over the place!


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I did really enjoy how Betty perfectly used Cheryl to ~expose~ her secret.

14.

Donna tails Betty to the sex bunker where she’s supposedly sleeping with Archie (the only place to have sex other than the music room, of course), but the big reveal is Jughead is ~alive~ and has been hiding out in the sex bunker under the cot!!!


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It’s a good thing Penelope Blossom was freed from the sex bunker so that Jughead could fake his death in the sex bunker. It’s an all-purpose sex bunker! Great for hiding out after escaping jail and getting mauled by a bear! Great for imprisoning your mother! Great for FAKING YOUR DEATH!!!! Pour one out for Dilton Doiley’s biggest contribution to this show.

As an aside, here is my real-time text reaction to my co-worker Nora realizing, ultimately, that Jughead would be in the sex bunker:


Jen Abidor

Turns out FP, Jellybean, Dr. Curdle Jr. (a terrible coroner), Charles (who is…evil and dating Chic!), and Mary Andrews all knew that Jughead wasn’t really dead. Thank GOD they didn’t make FP suffer like that! And it also explains why everyone was so calm.

15.

Betty and Archie reassure Jughead and Veronica that they were just faking their romance for the plan, except…they totally wanna do it forreals in the sex bunker, so we’ll see how that plays out with Barchronichead.


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16.

We end with Donna realizing that Jughead is alive because Betty brought THREE milkshakes to the bunker.


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So I guess now Donna wants to actually murder Jughead for ~reasons~ and actually pin it on Betty.

17.

OH ALSO, JONATHAN IS FRIGGIN’ DEAD, MAN.


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Like, I’m assuming Jonathan is their other Stonie friend who is always around, but lmao at this.

18.

Finally, there’s some kind of boring plot with Veronica and Hermosa (aka the “girl who cried Papi”) throughout the episode, but it ends with Hermosa digging up dirt on Donna. “Everybody brace yourselves because Donna Sweett is actually…”


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ACTUALLY…WHAT???? OMG I NEED TO KNOW. This damn show has done it to me again, and I’m at the edge of my seat wanting to solve a mystery that I hardly even understand despite watching this show week after week. That’s Riverdale for ya!!!

Alrighty, what are your theories? What IS Donna actually??? Is Bret secretly good now, like my co-worker Lauren thinks?We’re in this for the long haul and things are getting interesting!

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